A new way...
Please reply immediately. Friendship (everlasting) is required.
posted by fiestawizard at 8:54 PM
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
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Thanks for participating in our spirit building exercises. We have strong hopes that it will erase your self-doubt and overall feelings of guilt and disgust with yourself.
7 Comments:
Apparently this shitty site is prone to random spam postings. Great, just great.
The Super Bowl XXXIX:
I just returned home from a night of revelry and sheer disappointment, as I watched my Vikings get trounced by the Virginia Patriots in the ProBowl NFC Pepsi Super-Challenge Bowl, sponsored by Taco Bell.
It was an amazing journey... the pregame patriotism of the fighter jets whooshing over the fresh-faced young war recruits who don't yet know the true meaning of "post-traumatic stress disorder," and the vets and the veteran Presidents looking on in blank-faced disappointment that it's come to this.
Then, the coin toss, botched (as usual) by a little boy named Tyler. Way to go, Tyler; nice "pancake flip," you big cheater.
The game was a rush of pure adrenaline, or at least a rush of instant coffee administered intravenously. It was a fight to the finish between that one white quarterback and his teammates, against some black dudes from Philly whose MVP was their close friend who recently had had his leg broken. Thank god for the team doctors and their government-issued experimental anti-inflammatory medications -- not to mention the infusions of refined Afghani opium into the injured players' spinal canals!
Halftime was a race to the bottom, as the Paul McCartney program was re-activated by its handlers for a rousing performance of some songs. I was hoping for 3 to 4 Iron Maiden covers -- maybe "Aces High" followed by "Somewhere in Time" and "Hanger 18" (the original Iron Maiden version that was later covered by Megadeth). Instead, Sir Paul rocked the house with some "deep cuts" and previously unreleased Beatles material. I bet that the final song, which I assume is titled "Na-na-na, nanananahhhh (Hey Jude)" will not only be a huge hit, but will also be the post-apocalyptic theme song of choice, playing to the mutants trapped in all the dusty, vacant desert gas stations for the next several hundred years.
The second half was similar to the first, except for how that one team really started to pull ahead! In the end, they won, which I bet was really fucking cool for them, you know?
The commercials were awesome. My favorite was the one for Wendy's that featured a close-up of their new fried chicken deluxe sandwich. You could literally SEE the condiments and melted baconite cheesette dripping from the sandwich itself! I shit myself on that one.
Another cool commercial was the one for Pepsi. They've done it again! Amazing.
I also liked that one with the lady.
Did you see the one with the truck? What about the one for the new Cadillac? It was in the fucking tunnel, dude! Holy fucking shit! I'd like to be in that hot, warm, moist tunnel, and rocket it out of there so good, with my big, stiff, silver Cadillac!
Oh yeah, dude! There was also that sweet commercial for that one drug that makes your dick hard! Nice use of a bathtub metaphor in that one!
The coolest commerical was the one in which the devil comes and promotes a new movie starring Tom Hanks. It promises to send the world into a new realm of horror and destruction!
Finally, I was pleased at how fast it all flew by... only 4.5 hours! I could almost taste my own muscles being digested by my body for fuel as I sat there watching it all. And they tasted like...
...victory.
Yes, unfortunately, even the post-game Simpsons episode was rather disappointing. It all started with that half-assed coin flip. My muscles would too be consumed if it weren't for the food I ate mid first quarter. Next time I will plan two meals during the game.
The whole charade is, as many know, nothing but a spectacle and showcase for cheap corporate sandwich meat. I mean, Paul McCartney? At least that's better than Justin and Tina Jackson. Is her name Tina? I don't remember, but I saw her tits once. Jake has that for his desktop wallpaper on his computer. It makes his girlfriend happy to know that he has sexual interests outside of her pants. The wallpaper has (now) been changed. Now.
"Hey Jude" would be a fine song for the aftermath... perfect in fact. Is the apocalyspe on its way? Just let me know. Enough's enough.
Oh yeah, another funny thing- I didn't really see a lot or pay attention to the commercials, but you pointed out that there were some obvious car sexual innuendos involved. That's funny because right after those commercials (coincidentally) there were always boner medicines available. Old people love them because they also make it easier to let the bowels loose. Now that's an awesome dual effect.
I'm glad to hear that Jake's gettin' some pants action. That's nice.
The other thing about the Big Game: it's been fixed every year since the fall of the Berlin Wall, as detailed in the song "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel.
That is the question of course. Is this better? But apparently these questions should be directed towards B.O.R.T., who hasn't yet developed a strategy to get more people to post here. That is the ultimate strategy, because I'm certain that people (that know about my site) who won't post on a board that's simple (my old one), will find it much to difficult to post here. So, the new strategy is to get input from non-laggards, outsiders if you will.
I'm surprised that "Shock the Monkey" is actually about the rigging of the big game. On the other hand, I never real knew what the fuck that song was about. What is "Sledgehammer" about? Probably homosexuals at the southern truck stops with their gold medallions and turtle necks.
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