The Jesus drums
Yeah, ahh, listen, I get this Jesus channel and I've had run-ins with it that past few days here. Let me explain:
1) Friday night, quietly and passively viewing Charleton Heston in Planet of the Apes. I start to feel that the film is causing me to worship false idols (mainly ape men, which also brings up another point: primates are evolving rapidly and may soon begin to live in cheap apartment communities in a city near you). The feeling is blasphemous. The Jesus channel is simultaneously giving me a free viewing of "King of Kings." What a treat. Van Impe would be pleased. I want to be punished.
I proceed to call the 800 number on the bottom of the Jesus channel screen. A lady answers my call, she seems to be Latina, and I explain to her the situation. I believe that it's likely that the Jesus channel is also using illegal immigrant service labor. She offers me a prayer. I am sure to mention Heston's influence as well as my feeling dirty. She agrees and begins to pray for me. She prays, and prays.... and fucking prays. Probably for 10 minutes or so. I'm likely immune for at least as many years.
2) So, I think all is well with me and Jesus, but now the channel, which I am apparently attracted to, is bombarding me with the facts on why every band since 1960 is in fact Satanic, and that if you have children, they will be brainwashed. Everyone from George Harrison to "cultist" William Burroughs to "heavily into the occult," Sting. They do a lot of this:
So-and-so said, "I wrote that song in 1975 because I was feeling I needed and outlet... to lure people in, you know... to change the minds. We want to... destroy the youth... church."
And you see, the three period break is the way you actually lure the youth in and destroy them. It's that simple really, the youth are very much stupid. The good news is if you have children, god bless their little innocent souls, they can easily be trained in this manner, and also lots of large, popular Christian music fesivals are available.
Wasn't it Todd Rundgren who said, "I don't want to work, I just want to bang on my drum (and chant, in an occult manner) all day."? He did indeed, and that motherfucker is a true Satan loving Jew.
1) Friday night, quietly and passively viewing Charleton Heston in Planet of the Apes. I start to feel that the film is causing me to worship false idols (mainly ape men, which also brings up another point: primates are evolving rapidly and may soon begin to live in cheap apartment communities in a city near you). The feeling is blasphemous. The Jesus channel is simultaneously giving me a free viewing of "King of Kings." What a treat. Van Impe would be pleased. I want to be punished.
I proceed to call the 800 number on the bottom of the Jesus channel screen. A lady answers my call, she seems to be Latina, and I explain to her the situation. I believe that it's likely that the Jesus channel is also using illegal immigrant service labor. She offers me a prayer. I am sure to mention Heston's influence as well as my feeling dirty. She agrees and begins to pray for me. She prays, and prays.... and fucking prays. Probably for 10 minutes or so. I'm likely immune for at least as many years.
2) So, I think all is well with me and Jesus, but now the channel, which I am apparently attracted to, is bombarding me with the facts on why every band since 1960 is in fact Satanic, and that if you have children, they will be brainwashed. Everyone from George Harrison to "cultist" William Burroughs to "heavily into the occult," Sting. They do a lot of this:
So-and-so said, "I wrote that song in 1975 because I was feeling I needed and outlet... to lure people in, you know... to change the minds. We want to... destroy the youth... church."
And you see, the three period break is the way you actually lure the youth in and destroy them. It's that simple really, the youth are very much stupid. The good news is if you have children, god bless their little innocent souls, they can easily be trained in this manner, and also lots of large, popular Christian music fesivals are available.
Wasn't it Todd Rundgren who said, "I don't want to work, I just want to bang on my drum (and chant, in an occult manner) all day."? He did indeed, and that motherfucker is a true Satan loving Jew.
posted by fiestawizard at 10:35 PM
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