Spring sets in, no rest for the American Way

As the climate slowly changes this time of year, we get finally get a chance to feel the American Dream within us - best explained by Jesus at KMart. This Easter weekend, let us remember what it's truly about. Jesus used this day to rise from the dead and escape from his tomb by moving a huge rock with the help of only a small lever-type stick and some magical ability. He's now become famous due to several if not thousands of performed miracles, and, to a lesser known extent, some new experiments. Each Easter, since the year 2000, Jesus tries out new modern things or goes to a new place. This Easter, he chose the KMart on Mayfair Road between Burleigh Street and Capitol Drive in Milwaukee. Luckily, this is one of the most "down-to-earth" KMArts Jesus could have found, with easily accessible soda stacks, an armed security guard, and a vast array of sticky-wheeled carts. There's also an attached Sears appliance store, which is has a magical convenience in its own right, and has been known to give religious figures deep tingling feelings. Needless to say, people who were lucky enough to stand by Jesus in line said he was all smiles and enjoyed the experience quite a lot. He's not visited other discount stores yet, so by default, this was his favorite. He did, as a sidenote, give up Easter dinner with Tom Selleck and Russell Crowe.

In usual Jesus/prophet style, the trip will be followed up with some research. Jesus will learn of the companies growth, mergers, modern branding, and the history of the blue-light special. When he digs a little deeper, and looks into the specifics of the store he went to, he'll probably run across this. And God himself be damned if this isn't the best illustration of the American Dream Jesus could have ever come across. This is what Jesus died for up on that old bloody cross for us, this is what he's all about, this is what the good book tells us is wholesome: punching your neighbor's face in for a $10 gift card. Today, after you've had a chance to go see your local clergy person, go eat some ham, take a nap on the couch, and recover your energy to jump into it again tomorrow. And for your guidance WWJD? Blue-light special with brass knuckles in hand, that's what.