Streaks on the china (never mattered before, who cares?)
I was thinking about Broctune today -- because we recently received massive quantities of china, while simultaneously getting extremely married. Everything's been wonderful, but new questions that one would not have imagined have come up, like "what we do with all this china?" and "if we ever had children, who on earth would take care of them?" and "is this the first part of my slow descent into becoming Bob Uecker?"
[Oh, also, before I forget, or you get bored, you might be interested in staying up-to-date on the hottest insanity around, which I stumbled on today. Therein people discuss theories such as: We are currently the victims of a "weather war" being waged by various parties; the president and his staff have been arrested (also, the president has taken up drinking again, which might be true); the aliens are starting their invasion; other things that make me tired (actually, that last one is pretty awesome).]
Well, anyway, as I was sitting around, after some hours of getting my ass kicked in Resident Evil 4 (which is said to be "not that hard" in various reviews, which means I suck), I decided to seek out the answers to life's deep questions regarding the above first paragraph's existential questions... so, here, complete and ripped off, is the transcript of the semi-famous sketch... in case you ever want to perform it:
"The Mr. Belvedere Fan Club"
Starring:
Mr. Chairman.....Tom Hanks
Cheryl.....Victoria Jackson
Doug.....Chris Farley
Adam.....Adam Sandler
Melanie.....Melanie Hutsell
Phil.....Phil Hartman
Kevin.....Kevin Nealon
Mike.....Mike Myers
Comic.....Tim Meadows
[ open on interior, Conference Room B ]
Mr. Chairman: Okay, today's meeting comes to order, and, my friends, we
have scored another major coup for all members in good standing. Now,
don't concern yourself with how we did it, because it involves unsightly
back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another great first as a
card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, alright?
If you leave your
membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that we
can park in the handicapped space at his brother's conveniece mart.
Cheryl: That's so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few items
to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much quicker!
Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of
business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we
resolved to come up with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use,
so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? Alright,
ideas?
Doug: How about Thaddius.. or Big Bob.
Cheryl: Benny.
Adam: How about the Man Who Rides Alone.
Doug: Head Cheese?
Melanie: El Stinkmeister.
[ boos ]
Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.
Kevin: How about.. Broctune.
Mr. Chairman: Broctune! Hey, I like it! Let's vote, alright? All in
favor of Broctune, say Aye!
Group: Aye!
Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!
Group: Nay!
Mr. Chairman: Broctune it is!
Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK with me!
[ Comic enters the room ]
Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of Broctune?
Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they're doing a Comedy Night here later,
and I just got here early to sign up.
Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself comfortable,
sit anywhere. We're just getting ready to move on to our next ordr of
business, but anything else?
Doug: Yeah, I'd like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let
the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is..
the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I
say he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he's just.. I wish.. you
know.. I wish I could know him more, you know? Because.. he.. he is one
of a kind, you know? He's.. I think about him all the time, and.. well,
I'm wondering - should we kill him?
Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God's sake, no!
Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.
Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I'd like Doug to explain
why he wants to kill Broctune!
Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she'd be, you
know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.
Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill him, then?!
Doug: Um.. because.. so he wouldn't know how unworthy I am to hang out
with him..?
Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don't follow. What about the girl you want to meet?
Doug: Aw, she's probably a lesbo anyway.
Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn't have
to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Mr.
Belvedere, say Aye.
Group: Aye!
Mr. Chairman: All those who don't think he should be killed, say Nay.
Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. He lives. But the vote shouldn't have
been that close. Which brings me to an area I think we need to discuss.
Now, I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere's publicist. It seems somebody
has been killing his housepets again. Now, I'm not gonna ask which one
of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.
Comic: What exercise?
Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and fantasy
a little less blurry. You'll see.
Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?
Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I
shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.
Mr. Chairman: That's good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really
neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that's not right. Someone else?
Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how
good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook, but I
shouldn't want to type the letter on a death certificate.
Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh?
Okay, so let's keep going. Come on.
Adam: I should like watching "Mr. Belvedere" a lot, but I shouldn't have
to masturbate at the end of every episode.
Mr. Chairman: That's right. That is right. Discipline. Next?
Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Broctune a simple dinner if he
truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that he accepts it
telepathically.
Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let's keep the exercise in the form of
"should" and "shouldn't", okay? Next?
Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to
cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new
worlds where his flesh becomes my key.
Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.
Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't want
to keep him in a big jar in my basement.
Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that's great, we understand that now. Go
on, though. Why shouldn't you put him in a big jar in your basement?
Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn't be
able to see him..?
Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..
Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You're talking about
killing Mr. Belevedere, and putting this Broctune guy in a big jar, and
dead housepets?! I mean, can't you see what you're talking about is
wrong?! I mean, can't you see that?!
[ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath
fogging up the glass ]
[ fade out ]
[Oh, also, before I forget, or you get bored, you might be interested in staying up-to-date on the hottest insanity around, which I stumbled on today. Therein people discuss theories such as: We are currently the victims of a "weather war" being waged by various parties; the president and his staff have been arrested (also, the president has taken up drinking again, which might be true); the aliens are starting their invasion; other things that make me tired (actually, that last one is pretty awesome).]
Well, anyway, as I was sitting around, after some hours of getting my ass kicked in Resident Evil 4 (which is said to be "not that hard" in various reviews, which means I suck), I decided to seek out the answers to life's deep questions regarding the above first paragraph's existential questions... so, here, complete and ripped off, is the transcript of the semi-famous sketch... in case you ever want to perform it:
"The Mr. Belvedere Fan Club"
Starring:
Mr. Chairman.....Tom Hanks
Cheryl.....Victoria Jackson
Doug.....Chris Farley
Adam.....Adam Sandler
Melanie.....Melanie Hutsell
Phil.....Phil Hartman
Kevin.....Kevin Nealon
Mike.....Mike Myers
Comic.....Tim Meadows
[ open on interior, Conference Room B ]
Mr. Chairman: Okay, today's meeting comes to order, and, my friends, we
have scored another major coup for all members in good standing. Now,
don't concern yourself with how we did it, because it involves unsightly
back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another great first as a
card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, alright?
If you leave your
membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that we
can park in the handicapped space at his brother's conveniece mart.
Cheryl: That's so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few items
to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much quicker!
Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of
business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we
resolved to come up with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use,
so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? Alright,
ideas?
Doug: How about Thaddius.. or Big Bob.
Cheryl: Benny.
Adam: How about the Man Who Rides Alone.
Doug: Head Cheese?
Melanie: El Stinkmeister.
[ boos ]
Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.
Kevin: How about.. Broctune.
Mr. Chairman: Broctune! Hey, I like it! Let's vote, alright? All in
favor of Broctune, say Aye!
Group: Aye!
Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!
Group: Nay!
Mr. Chairman: Broctune it is!
Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK with me!
[ Comic enters the room ]
Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of Broctune?
Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they're doing a Comedy Night here later,
and I just got here early to sign up.
Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself comfortable,
sit anywhere. We're just getting ready to move on to our next ordr of
business, but anything else?
Doug: Yeah, I'd like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let
the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is..
the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I
say he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he's just.. I wish.. you
know.. I wish I could know him more, you know? Because.. he.. he is one
of a kind, you know? He's.. I think about him all the time, and.. well,
I'm wondering - should we kill him?
Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God's sake, no!
Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.
Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I'd like Doug to explain
why he wants to kill Broctune!
Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she'd be, you
know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.
Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill him, then?!
Doug: Um.. because.. so he wouldn't know how unworthy I am to hang out
with him..?
Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don't follow. What about the girl you want to meet?
Doug: Aw, she's probably a lesbo anyway.
Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn't have
to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Mr.
Belvedere, say Aye.
Group: Aye!
Mr. Chairman: All those who don't think he should be killed, say Nay.
Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. He lives. But the vote shouldn't have
been that close. Which brings me to an area I think we need to discuss.
Now, I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere's publicist. It seems somebody
has been killing his housepets again. Now, I'm not gonna ask which one
of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.
Comic: What exercise?
Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and fantasy
a little less blurry. You'll see.
Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?
Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I
shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.
Mr. Chairman: That's good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really
neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that's not right. Someone else?
Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how
good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook, but I
shouldn't want to type the letter on a death certificate.
Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh?
Okay, so let's keep going. Come on.
Adam: I should like watching "Mr. Belvedere" a lot, but I shouldn't have
to masturbate at the end of every episode.
Mr. Chairman: That's right. That is right. Discipline. Next?
Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Broctune a simple dinner if he
truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that he accepts it
telepathically.
Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let's keep the exercise in the form of
"should" and "shouldn't", okay? Next?
Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to
cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new
worlds where his flesh becomes my key.
Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.
Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't want
to keep him in a big jar in my basement.
Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that's great, we understand that now. Go
on, though. Why shouldn't you put him in a big jar in your basement?
Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn't be
able to see him..?
Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..
Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You're talking about
killing Mr. Belevedere, and putting this Broctune guy in a big jar, and
dead housepets?! I mean, can't you see what you're talking about is
wrong?! I mean, can't you see that?!
[ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath
fogging up the glass ]
[ fade out ]
posted by B.O.R.T. at 9:28 PM
2 Comments:
Thank you for the plethora of linkers. They will keep me occupied for the following weeks. Also, thanks for including the Broctune bit... in its entirety. That's really the only way it should be displayed. It's quite possibly one of the best skits ever, especially considering Farley, Hartman, and Belvedere have all passed on to the next level.
Regarding your response to my previous post: yes, I did confront that lady, and yes, she does suck that bad. The state has directed them to stop her stupid practice, which makes me proud to say that she was dead stupid fucking wrong in what she said. I left it up to the state to tell her.
The film subject: I guess he gave up, which means I want to finish the footage with depressing failure and general despair. That will make me happy.
By the way, I never did know what the first line of the theme song was. Thanks.
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