Segments of the Experience Experiment
Is this the 200th post? Is it anti-climactic? Yes and Maybe. The decision will be left to you, the voter. The end of much deliberation has led to this. I decided to end the terrifying, mind-tickling suspense by finalizing the post strategy. Stategy in place and complete. What I'm about to say will be neither toxic, exciting, or interesting. Sterile, really, at best.
First, a brief history. This blog has been up for almost two years. 200 posts over a two year period averages to about 2 posts per week. Not bad. The site has received over 5000 hits, which sadly only translates to about 20 visitors. Sadly, again, I am responsible for well over 50% of the visits. The content has hovered between absolute shit and partial greatness, the median being slightly above mediocrity, erring on the side of comedic attempts. Three people have passed away whilst reading this blog, left only as content souls wandering about the ethereal universe. Twice people have been upset to the point of tears from taking the scenery in; both instances involve the same person. At all times this site has been ranked in all three major top ten lists. The content located here has caused four bouts of manic depression, thirteen battles with cancer, 1.3 asthma attacks, and nine seizures. Seven people have been afflicted with eating disorders and one of those individuals also contracted genital warts (not from this site). Overall, feedback has taken a tone of jealousy and outright confusion. The technical statistics follow:
Power = 56 watts
Dream production = +4 (final level 43)
Flow rate = 5k/min
Constant? Yes
Reception - pretty good
Binary flavor - strawberry banana
Electronic tone - dialtone #8, emergency beep
Ozone scent - usually upon start up
Top function = logarithmic
Resolution = 3 pixel amorphous
Cleanliness - shiny with light abrasions/bent corners, small dust piles under paper stacks
Retention - unlikely
Incoherence/sensical distribution - 95% confidence
Final technical recommendations - bait, lure, trick, trap potential readers, slowly inject thought serum - use Coca-Cola ad campaign as model
So, overall, a successful run with recognized stats. Now for my informational section:
Legendary comic Gallagher will appear soon in Madison (and probably your area too). He's a legend alright, and BORT saw him once. That's one more thing he can say he accomplished - put the encrusted ketchup shirt in your trophy room with the Nikki Sixx headband. The best part (as advertised) - "Flash Cameras Allowed!" Oh, thank Jesus. I guess that statement bolsters his appeal in some ways. "When I saw Gallagher, no cameras were allowed. Now I don't remember what his act was all about."
Ted Nugent appeared here yesterday with his usual patriotism. Somebody apparently (I wasn't there) accused him of skipping out on the Vietnam draft by shitting and pissing himself. His eventual response to this accusation - "Eat shit and die." he too rips-off obsolete phrases from the past.
In conclusion to this 200th post, I'd like to hand out a flyers explaining some general Halloween safety tips. Please, take the time to really think about them.
- Many children (more today than ever!) are trick-or-treating alone, without parental escort. These kids may never return home to join mom and dad again.
- Some high school kids will be taking part in their first Satanic Rituals. Be vigilant, for the anti-christ knows no bounds.
- Although their are no documented cases of razors, pins or poison in candy, some people will be curious to find out if those types of human sabotage can actually be pulled off. Personally, I am also curious. Please inform everyone of the results.
- Black costumes are as popular as ever - black in, reflectors out. However, many people dressed in all black are dangerous criminals or assassins. If you care about the well-being of your family, don't be afraid to scream or shoot your pistol wildly into the dark, unforgiving Halloween skies when these people are spotted.
- Costumes, including masks, appear more realistic than in the past, making deciphering between revelers and real, evil monsters challenging. True demonic beings are incapable of simple rational thoughts. Receiving treats should be contigent on completing a small puzzle or logic game placed strategically outside the door. Watch cautiously through the window.
- Kids today snort Pixie Stix for maximum efficacy. Give them some snow-white powder and watch the fun ensue.
First, a brief history. This blog has been up for almost two years. 200 posts over a two year period averages to about 2 posts per week. Not bad. The site has received over 5000 hits, which sadly only translates to about 20 visitors. Sadly, again, I am responsible for well over 50% of the visits. The content has hovered between absolute shit and partial greatness, the median being slightly above mediocrity, erring on the side of comedic attempts. Three people have passed away whilst reading this blog, left only as content souls wandering about the ethereal universe. Twice people have been upset to the point of tears from taking the scenery in; both instances involve the same person. At all times this site has been ranked in all three major top ten lists. The content located here has caused four bouts of manic depression, thirteen battles with cancer, 1.3 asthma attacks, and nine seizures. Seven people have been afflicted with eating disorders and one of those individuals also contracted genital warts (not from this site). Overall, feedback has taken a tone of jealousy and outright confusion. The technical statistics follow:
Power = 56 watts
Dream production = +4 (final level 43)
Flow rate = 5k/min
Constant? Yes
Reception - pretty good
Binary flavor - strawberry banana
Electronic tone - dialtone #8, emergency beep
Ozone scent - usually upon start up
Top function = logarithmic
Resolution = 3 pixel amorphous
Cleanliness - shiny with light abrasions/bent corners, small dust piles under paper stacks
Retention - unlikely
Incoherence/sensical distribution - 95% confidence
Final technical recommendations - bait, lure, trick, trap potential readers, slowly inject thought serum - use Coca-Cola ad campaign as model
So, overall, a successful run with recognized stats. Now for my informational section:
Legendary comic Gallagher will appear soon in Madison (and probably your area too). He's a legend alright, and BORT saw him once. That's one more thing he can say he accomplished - put the encrusted ketchup shirt in your trophy room with the Nikki Sixx headband. The best part (as advertised) - "Flash Cameras Allowed!" Oh, thank Jesus. I guess that statement bolsters his appeal in some ways. "When I saw Gallagher, no cameras were allowed. Now I don't remember what his act was all about."
Ted Nugent appeared here yesterday with his usual patriotism. Somebody apparently (I wasn't there) accused him of skipping out on the Vietnam draft by shitting and pissing himself. His eventual response to this accusation - "Eat shit and die." he too rips-off obsolete phrases from the past.
In conclusion to this 200th post, I'd like to hand out a flyers explaining some general Halloween safety tips. Please, take the time to really think about them.
- Many children (more today than ever!) are trick-or-treating alone, without parental escort. These kids may never return home to join mom and dad again.
- Some high school kids will be taking part in their first Satanic Rituals. Be vigilant, for the anti-christ knows no bounds.
- Although their are no documented cases of razors, pins or poison in candy, some people will be curious to find out if those types of human sabotage can actually be pulled off. Personally, I am also curious. Please inform everyone of the results.
- Black costumes are as popular as ever - black in, reflectors out. However, many people dressed in all black are dangerous criminals or assassins. If you care about the well-being of your family, don't be afraid to scream or shoot your pistol wildly into the dark, unforgiving Halloween skies when these people are spotted.
- Costumes, including masks, appear more realistic than in the past, making deciphering between revelers and real, evil monsters challenging. True demonic beings are incapable of simple rational thoughts. Receiving treats should be contigent on completing a small puzzle or logic game placed strategically outside the door. Watch cautiously through the window.
- Kids today snort Pixie Stix for maximum efficacy. Give them some snow-white powder and watch the fun ensue.
posted by fiestawizard at 1:41 PM
4 Comments:
continuing with the confusional and jealous responses...
"congrats. you have reached the 200th post. but our 201st post is in another castle!"
stats such as ratio of posts by ufoid and myself, compared to yourself, were omitted. for that, the recently-transgendered ufoid and myself thank you.
speaking as one of the 13/20 majority of readers who acquired cancer (of the tonsil in my case) -- don't worry folks, i'm impervious to damage and i won't insult your intelligence by telling you why that is! -- i'm glad to see that we're ahead in the polls, up on senator lopez-kohair by 15 twelfths of a point! it wouldn't have happened without our dedication, devotion, and turning all the night-time(s) into the day(s).
in that vein, if you do yourself one favor in your life, use that favor to purchase a night of gallagher-edutainment. the reason for the flash cameras has to do with his current role as an MK-ULTRA ops agent. shield your mind by wearing mirrored sunglasses to the show and you'll be fine, trust me! second tip: that ain't ketchup...
we're passing out long-acting methylphenidate preparations this helloween, laced with tarragon-infused duck foie gras and distilled human placental tissue. it's neither a trick nor a treat... it's a new product from Eli-Lilly called "Zouremidate." It will make you feel like a demi-god in a 3rd-edition rules AD&D game for about 15 minutes, then 4 hours of intense crying and hiccups, then 18 hours of general testiness.
the neighbor kid raked yesterday, taking about 6 hours to do so as he took his sweet time putting the leaves into bags in groups of 3-4 leaves at a time, intermixed with break periods of staring off and deep thinking vs. some kind of seizures. a friend helped him to avoid throwing our flower pots away, and today i found out that the helping friend shall not be sharing in the cash proceeds earned from said raking. well, that's business for ya.
There's a lot of work to be done on improving said statistics. Your neck tumor is only the tip of the iceberg. The neighbor kid is only a portion of the unrealized pool of to-be-taken-advantage-of youth (gone wild). It appears that they too have manufactured a plan to steal your thunder. Personally, I'm not an appeaser of this sort of thing, so I'll be over to rake the leaves, or whatever you need, in a thurra, timely and generally efficient fashion.
By the way, getting rid of those tiny-leaved Russian Olive trees might improve both the motivation and timeliness of those youngsters - just a simple suggestion from an even simpler man. Terracotta.
By the way, why does that Kohair fella use such strange fractionals? Wow, the non-fractional inclined are gonna vote us dead next round. Boo-ya!
the other unknown stat:
Referral Site for The Fargo Forum and Jamestown Sun websites (rank of this site, respectively): 1, 1
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