Only Jesus saves

I looked to the south, the east, the west. North was out of the question, after all, I'd just come from that direction. Dangerous. As the sign reads, "Only Jesus Saves." Neon cross, giant signs evoking fire and brimstone horror, Jesus himself. Listen to them all. Admittedly, I was wrong in taking the, "I can do it myself without the Jesus power" route. I was nearly dead wrong. Or at least my dog was. A being that holds no belief in any religious entity. A true heathen. She'd eat any religious relic or religious figure without even caring about the consequences. She'll also climb a decent amount of stone steps to get to the top of the cliffs without regard to consequence.



See in the distance? There's no way down over there, no way at all except straight down about 2000 steps. Steps that a typical dog can't conquer. As I approached the peak at around 7:00 pm I began to panic. Would it get dark? Would there be a gentle winding path? Yes. No. The dog began to slow due in large part to creaky joints. Her passion was not lost, but her energy level was running at a mere 4.1/23. I thought we could make it, but the only path available contained sharp crushed stone, a terrible hazard for any dog's worn pads. She took slow, limping steps, a strong indication that she hated this shit and was ready to sit down for a while. A half hour passed while I debated whether or not to swallow my pride (also running at 4.1/23, so not a huge loss anyway) and use the emergency call station. I did eventually, giving a general, calm and collected cry for help. Nobody answered for some time, but eventually they agreed that they could indeed classify this as an emergency. A truck picked me up soon after. Thanks park rangers, you guys are really friendly.

Now, alone, this incident is merely embarrassing. These situations come up for me a lot, and I normally keep the press attention under wraps using a superior force of publicists, henchman, and hitmen. This time, however, my significant other was told to wait patiently for me. As time passed for her, the sun went down and the beach-goers left the area, still half-drunk off of warm Milwaukee's Best. Left to her own devices, all she could assume was that I had fallen from a cliff to my death. Who knows how much that bothered her. We'll assume lots. When I was reunited with her, I said, "Only Jesus saves. Sometimes. Other times the park rangers do."