The Cog of St. Jermaine (Salts #26-27)

26) "Nom Carver," they'd shout at him. After all, that was his name, and after all, he did have the sole patent on the latest hit real-life RPG entitled, "100 cat strikes to your grave." The game was loosely based on the sitcom Family Ties, but held back nothing in the way of magical abilities, magical dreamscapes, and apocalyptic tales of house pet horrors. His first mission, described only as "Meticulous machinations" involved his best friend Indigo, his uncle Will, and his own cat, Lowell, better known as Mr. Axicron Lowell the Krionic Iron Mage (MALKIM). The quest was fairly long and complex, just as uncle Will had wished. He was very much into wrenching on complicated machinery, 70's witchcraft, and cat magazines. Unfortunately, three hours into the quest, directly outside of K-Mart, MALKIM launched a furious series of cat slashes, back leg kicks, and one fire of wrath spell, sending Will directly home for the day. Ironically, he was on his way to the armorsmith's shop to purchase the only armor he could afford. He had no experience and very few hit points, thus befriending MALKIM so early in the adventure had backfired horribly. Another day Will, another day. He went home and watched porn, another one of his primary hobbies only slightly separated from sci-fi fascinations.

The remainder of the quest was fluffed with ruthless mind games and feline threats, causing Indigo to lose her cool and head to the Retirement home where she knew she could get free refreshments. This was taken by Nom to be nothing more than a flapping white flag. He called MALKIM in from the woods and he went about writing his next quest.

As quests grew in popularity and complexity, Nom was contacted by Heirem Belucki, an international strength in the RPG fashion scene. He had a sidekick, known as Captain Tunic Del Toro who wrote letters to Nom for a year. The letters where usually answered promptly, leading to a good business type relationship. This was good, and Nom was eventually awarded a contract to write 10 quests. His quests challenged people nationwide and eventually Nom was given a lifetime contract. He never looked back or contacted uncle Will or Indigo again. They both got jobs in retail and looked up to Nom even though he was a slimy wart in their sub-conscious.

27) "Please step off the grass." The sign told them this everyday, yet they continued to piss on, kick up, and pull the grass from its steady roots. Sometimes they threw it up in the air, other times they smashed it into small crevices located in far away places. Armell, the self-proclaimed king of Pepsi, once smashed it into Ardell's best shirt pocket, causing severe staining and a forgettable itch. "Another day, another dollar," he said, knowing full well that it would cost at least $2 to get the shirt dry-cleaned. Astell, the third wheel of the threesome, known for her hefty laugh and in-your-face running styles, never gave up on the future, and always insisted that each day produce a new grass idea. Last week would be a week of ceremonial burning of the grass, but this Saturday brought the sun, and the insistent spawning of new grass blades. There they stood, Astell in the lead, Ardell with a new shirt, and Armell sweating bullets on the sidelines. No inspiration was available. The grass, sensing this, opened up into a gaping black mass of a hole, all the while slow, exotic electronic music played a dirge. They were swallowed, and probably never learned their lesson. As they say, to grow with the grass is to perceive yourself, to die with it is to gift the earth and no more.