Attempted Truth Salvation

I just wanted to thank everyone for the immense amount of humanitarian compassion that was spewed everywhere during the holidays. Seven thousand Neon Charm Hats were sold and some three thousand "Jurbins the False Prophet Bear" toys were sold. The proceeds, of course, will go back into buying more of the same toys to donate to the "Children with Evangelical Parents Fund" (CEPaF). This program seeks to allow children with Evangelist parents to experience and enjoy a few classic pagan toys created by yours truly. The scripture of James 1:27 guides us "to look after orphans and widows in distress," so we thought it was of utmost importance to get these so-called "orphans of the end-times" some fun things to play with before the rapture. My own nephew was found to be brainwashing Mittens the cat (with the Charm Hat) on Christmas Eve into thinking that nobody loved him. And guess what? It worked! Mittens ate the eyes out of the neighbor child in a desperate attempt to cleanse the world. It's great to see charitable efforts actually making a difference. I've received several calls from ecstatic parents in regard to Jurbins the bear. They say their children are wearing the fur of Jurbins thin in ancient sacrificial ceremonies that much resemble the execution of Jesus himself! A few parents have complained of similar ceremonies that involve not only Jurbins, but beheaded animals, goat's blood, and Indian drumming, but I can assure them that I didn't sell their kids any of that stuff.

Next year I plan to use the passage in Exodus 21:7 that condones the selling of our daughters as "maid servants," in some sort of creative way to raise money again. This offer will be mutually beneficial as we will be able to get the charity money into the hands of the people that need it most, as well as give people the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to obtain that extra worker they need to make ends meet. After all, those bitches deserve nothing less, as we all know too well, only those who trust in Jesus and know the truth will be free, as it is written, 'The truth shall make you free.' (John 8:32) An educational seminar will be given (by me) soon to educate your daughters on the 'truth,' thereby giving you an avenue of escape on selling them off. Again, my extended thanks to all--