Self-serve Conscience Retrieval (at your expense)

Build up my self-esteem. Tell me I'm the best. Keep my appetite suppressed. Don't let me out of this area. Break my spirit. Send me on a spirited mission. Delete your previous thoughts. Consider a few different outcomes. Intermingle components without regard to your apprehensions. Don't believe it right away. Judge me harshly at the end of the day. Make me listen. Take a picture to make it last. Use subtle manipulations against it. Take a breath of freedom. Let it rupture your lungs. Pretend you are okay. Die slowly.

Just a few of your New Year resolutions. They represent a sinusoidal descent into chaos. Different theories represent it in books and things. I have work to do. Check out THIS for updates... finally. Actually, I worked on this KJOE commercial since about July, but really only got to it again the past few days. In the next few weeks, I promise I'll get some other things up, but wait, nobody really cares that much. That's okay though, as you might have realized by now that most of the updates only cure my own ailments.

I am in Jamestown, ND now, and let me tell you that the depression of this state seems to get worse each time I return. I should actually refer to it as "the depression that this state causes." You get the point. If you don't know anyone here, being around will cause slow and certain decay. Not to mention that there's been a sharp increase in yard vandalism and door kick-ins in recent days. Several people have been smashed by pipes as well. All in a vandal's day up here in the north. "ND = nice day to vandalize," say local vandals in a recent telephone interview. They hang out in the stockyards, you should know that. I was there recently to harass pigs with a long stick and firecrackers. Three vandals turned them loose on me and my shrouds were torn to bloody fragments.
Is that irony?

I finished the last filming of the "documentary" I was working on. Now Joe is leaving the Madison area. With the new equipment I got for Christmas I hope to do some transferring and editing. Soon enough I'll distribute what I have. The story took some interesting twists, but more or less won't stand on it's own. I plan to add some car chase sequences and an explosion with real flames.

Keep in touch friends-

B.O.R.T.'s Best of 2005

The new year brings us to a reflective posture, one that pulls us into a Final Fantasy-esque time loop from which we can only escape by making top 10 lists. Boy, I sure am a narky belp. Here are my top picks in '96! --

Top 10 Movies:
1. Mad Hot Ballroom: As usual, my favorite movie is the one I saw most recently. This particular one was viewed only 4 nights ago! It has blocked out all other films from recent memory. It's that good. A documentary about inner-city NYC kids who take a mandatory ballroom dance class and in the process learn a lot about themselves, life, and the world around them. Redeeming!

2. Palindromes: An extended meditation on identity. Key questions: Am "I" malleable, the alchemist of "myself"? Or am "I" always "me," immutable, for better or worse, mainly for the worse?

3. A Scanner Darkly (trailer): This movie has not yet been released, except as a trailer, which I have only watched in Quicktime format on my computer, which nevertheless makes it better than most movies that have come out, ever. Reflecting on this further, more movies should only be released as trailers. Also, most songs should be 1 to 1.5 minutes long (see below).

4. Star Wars Episode III: The main thing that got it on my list is Anakin getting his legs cut off.

5. The Lost Boys of Sudan: Documentary about 2 immigrants from Sudan, and their disillusionment with regard to the American Dream. Fun to see the well-meaning but blind "sponsors" of the boys, white Chrisitianist women thinking that giving these young men used furniture will ease their existential pain.

6. I did not see that many movies this year, really.


Top 10 Music:
1. The New Pornographers Twin Cinema: Power pop extraordinaire.
2. Ben Folds "Late" and "Landed" from Songs for Silverman: Songs for wussies.
3. Boom Bap Project Reprogram: Old-new-school hiphop from Seattle, great even if you're a lonely old man with hiked-up pants and an umbilical hernia that pops out when you laugh too hard, naked in your room at the VA Hospital, waiting for the nurse to come with your evening enema. "Sorry Mr. Carruthers, no house parties are allowed here at the VA! You should have thought about that before you decided to get sick!"
4. Felt: A Tribue to Lisa Bonet
5. Portastatic Bright Ideas: Employs something called "chords."
6. Hockey Night Keep Guessin' : Two drummers, with two complete drum kits. Neil Peart can eat their feces.
7. "Boulevard of Broken Songs": A mashup that gave me insomnia.
8. Sufjan Stevens (Come on feel the) Illinois: I am a huge nerd.
9. Debussy Fields: Home recording that hits home.


Top 10 Videogames:

1. Resident Evil 4: I finished it, then replayed it enough to get the infinite rocket launcher, at which point it remained fun for only an additional 20 minutes. But that's the first time I've wanted to replay a game in like 10 years.
2. Trauma Center: A surgery game for the DS, in which you use the touch screen to remove alien parasites from ill Japanese schoolgirls.
3. Dragon Quest VIII: "A metal king slime approaches!"
4. God of War: Double hand sickles, nipples, and giant avenging gods throwing fireballs.


Top 10 Personal Actions:

1. Marriage.

2. Learned to use new kitchen equipment; new recipes ensued.

3. Taught myself how to read.

4. Slightly increased my mass.

5. Beat 14 people in a round of speed chess, earning 28 dollars in the process.

6. Unable to figure out Soduku, even a very easy one.

7. 8th consecutive year of resisting the urge to buy a giant TV.

8. Stopped a leak from the second floor bathroom that threatened to destroy the entire 1st floor ceiling.

9. Sprayed for weeds.

10. Stood up for myself.


Top 10 Cats:
1. Samson
2. Muffin
3. Luka
4. Smokey


That's it, I give up. Anything else?

Season's Greetings....

My dog actually took that picture as I was passed out in Christmas delight. As can be seen, a party took place with me, Dio, some silver and blue bows, and a bottle of cheap whiskey. The Dio album was for you, but not anymore; not after those smartass remarks you made. The night started out with normalcy, but soon the Chipmunks Christmas album played on high speed over and over again led me to the bottle. It couldn't simply be shut down, as you suggest, as someone was pumping the tune through each and every opening leading into my tiny bounded apartment. I have enemies. At some point I started to wrap up various items around the house for Christmas presents to be given at a later date (yes, it's my own Dio album... that little man can belt out a powerful scream "...I see a rainbow in the da-a-ark (synth solo)"). I wrapped up some mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving, some AV cables, and two D-cell batteries, and then some records. I proceeded with my Christmas giving idea right up to the point of falling over some decorative rocks I was planning on giving you (in addition to the record). Again, you will receive none of it. My head took a decent crushing, and I was stamped out momentarily in Christmas delight. Now that's putting the Christ back in Christmas. Thank god my dog had the presence of mind to set up a good documenting shot. She will also be deprived of any gifts due to the smug look on her face and her "what the fuck is going on here" attitude seen in the photo. I mean, what, she couldn't just draw a penis on my face or shave my eyebrows? Now I will pet her velvety head and tell her how good she could be.

Ahhh, nothing like a good Christmas story. Actually, that bottle, which you can clearly see is nearly empty, was consumed solely by a good anonymous friend of mine as a "Halloween prank" played on his own liver. It's been in my freezer ever since. His liver always says stop, but his spirit cries never! Just like Survivor said. And that will conclude my song references for this essay.

I was recently asked by one of my students via email, "where do I get all of those random shirts?" I wonder what else they say of my styles. Probably that they are revolutionary. I'm not telling where I get my shirts, so don't even ask. They also ask me what my kids' names are and what my address is. I tell them Bernie, Benson, and Liniro (that's Greek) and then I give them Jake S.'s address. Mayhem will be served to the unsuspecting. He usually acts like a sophomore in high school anyway. Sometimes he still asks, "What do I need on the final to get a C?" I refer him to my shirt that says, "You might as well quit now asshole, because asking questions like that naturally makes you a failure." Also, in a related note, I had the "I'm foreign" card played on me again. More on that by request.

Now, as promised, here's your assigned mission, with hopes of eventually achieving our final objective:

To solve the time system, you will obliterate one technology organization. Humble me with insulting phrases.

Good day.

Things I Currently Like

1) The Colbert Report
--Smarmy!

2) DragonQuest VIII
--Nerdy. I'm 25 hours in. Just got the ship (not an airship, just a plain old sea type ship). Opens up whole world for exploration, but also for getting my ass kicked in various ways. (Just dawned on me that I'm at level 25, thus a 1:1 ratio for leveling up to hours played. Disheartening. Also, have several as-yet-unbeaten games mocking me from the cabinet, such as Metroid Prime 2, which I got about halfway through, but that was about a year ago, and now I can't remember where the hell I was, etc.) But overall, love DQ8, because it's basically a really long, cartoon-graphics version of Dragon Warrior, or really more like DW2. "Chimaera Wing." "Copper Sword." "Metal Slime." "Smelly panties."

3) Magazines
--Easy to read, easier to throw away. Try doing that with a book!


okay. that's it. I can't turn off italics now. Great.


Stay tuned for a post that I plan to make tomorrow regarding things that I dislike. Or, I might change my mind, and do a post on things that are disc-like.

Blinded people need not read

Nor can they, but that's not the point here. The point here is that (I guess) nobody is reading lately (this blog). All people have lost their appetite for posting, even me... for now. I have not, however, lost my appetite for destruction, and that's why right now, as I type, I am violently crushing some boxes. Soon the promised land will be reached, and new postings and pages will be loaded for your and my viewing pleasure. And believe me, their will be pleasure, as I plan to post 20 gigs of porn to a secret location with a secret name using a secret mouse and keyboard I have.

In reality, I do have a few reports to make. I recently talked to the neo-prophet that I was documenting. As we all know, he dropped his theories for the time-being as the pressure was becoming overwhelming. And so it was, because as one might guess, being an undiscovered prophet is a huge burden. It's also the beauty in documentation; the humbling feeling of defeat felt through film. I suppose I'll try to make that happen, upon receiving the money from you for support. Good editing is not free motherfucker. To end this story on a positive note, the model of the theory is still available upon request, and I will explain it in the same manner.

The cold dark winter has taken hold of middle America, and I'm feeling it. It's a nostalgic feeling that goes good with a heavy metal montage, I think we all can agree. These are the weather patterns that metal dreams are made of. I wish I could portray this feeling in film. I'll need extra funding for that, so don't be pull that "I'm thrifty" bullshit. Good times are not free, just like that hooker told you once.

Does anybody watch the Gastineau Girls on the T-V? They're real dumb you know. I don't want to be a condescending jerk (usually), but they're real dumb. They were offered a job at some magazine to write a column, but unfortunately they don't know how to type. Worse yet, they don't even know how to think of phrases to type... or how to spell the work "choked." I'm quite fed up with people who are famous by association (if you can call Mark Gastineau famous) being on TV. Yeah, yeah, we could all go on and on about shit like that, but none if it deserves extra attention.

Now for the codes I promised previously:
Before you enter your garage in the morning before work, stand in the "safe spot" next to the left hand side of the closet door to avoid enemy attacks. Then press up-up-left-down-up on your right-shoe stripes. Now enter the garage and you should have full health!

When the neighbor's cat Damzibar uses his claw attack, use your jump attack. If that doesn't work, run up the stairs and then back down thereby restarting the battle at square one.

Press 733666 on your cell phone at anytime, then hit the menu button. This should increase your magic points by 50%. Caution: this code does not work during 911 calls.

Okay, great. I hope those come in handy. I'm going to watch "Salt of the Earth" now, the only Blacklisted movie ever! Communist propaganda it must be.