Saturday, January 23, 2010

And on the wind blew a rancid note (Salt #31)

He swept back his thick mustache with his thumb and index finger and looked to the west, then back to the east. His psyche was rattled, but never would he consider his physical being to be shaken. He had sweated through his fall vest, and felt sticky dry. His mental response to any physicality was sluggish like a geriatric spreading peanut butter on a bread slice. He slowly recognized The position of the sun above that said it was 4 pm. The exterior lighting was bright and appeared to have dark halos at the peripherals, and he investigated his glasses to see that they were operating at 100%. There was no defects in them besides a two thin hairs caught in between the left nose piece and the frame. The wind blew a rustic pineapple smell into his right nostril. His left was not responding.

His physical position now completely assessed in his mind, thoughts wandered into the events leading to his predicament: two local Jesuits and three Philippino dock workers had requested some samples and had brought him to their turf to shoot the breeze and discuss religious matters. The Jesuits were tied to the Phiillipinos by some religious link if he recalled correctly. They hammed it up and listened to old Bonnie Rait records that the Jesuits liked. Everybody crammed down pre-cooked hamburgers in the back of the warehouse and laughed. The end of the memory string came there, and now he's awake on a pile of fiberglass insulation, but not itching from the stuff. Groggy and feeling night swelling, he finds the back door and gets to right here. He's willing to put it behind him and ask no further questions. He walks to get back to home. He hears a hanging organ note that seems to come from within him.

A smallish lizard seemed to threaten him and groped a tree branch near his ankles. Lizards are a threat, and so he kicks at it. A slow, pointlessly deficient kick was met with a searing pain ripping up his back and around to his sternum. Tingling is noticed in the arms and legs. He stops, and hears a far off set of the organ musical notes. To him this proves nothing regarding the long-standing note heard previously. He loses his breath momentarily then breathes heavily for several more. Dull pain is absorbed into his cracking bones. He watches the lizard escape and respects its understood agility and vigor. He wishes he felt it in himself. He swallows hard and feels some reorganization of things within him including his dry tonsils sticking to his esophagus. He fears salmonella in beef as a rule, and now it was a distinct possible reality. He gagged at the thought and tasted only rust and mouth crust. The dark peripheral halos turned a yellowish hue, then green, then became his complete vision. He grabbed for his left side. The sticky sweat was now fresh blood mixed with clear viscous fluids. The sun was nearing the horizon now, and a truck kicked up a dusty wind that stuck to his person. He pulled off the vest and undershirt and the true horror took hold. A great fear, a deep and panicking fear set in. The fear caused a surge in adrenaline, but that's only false life. Even shock was not possible in his realized physical state. Sloppy incisions clearly made with dull instruments appeared: taped closed only. Voids in his mid-section were noticeable! He still had his left and right lungs, his heart, and probably his brain, but the presence of all other organs were in question. As if he might be able to tell if they were there, he began to press frantically on himself. He wept a concentrated salt tear and breathed more heavily. He felt helpless anger and the feeling of dropping blood sugar, although eating an apple or licking some glucose gel would not bring any satisfaction.

"How long can I live without a liver? How long without kidneys? A stomach? A bladder? A spleen?"

He was not a man of science and so had no answers. He fell to his knees and saw hot, thick, dripping blood clot near his left nipple as it rolled towards his face.

With nothing else left, the human body and mind will react in strange ways. In this case, the only mechanism was light, brief laughter and a crooked smile. He fucked with the Phillipino Jesuits and he paid the price. They harvested him for everything he had and they stand to make a good sum of cash. He regretted his choices as a man, but it was no time for that. Now it would all end: him as a partial man without the dignity of dying with his innards. For that there is no consolation, only an intense crushing pressure just above his hip that flowed into his mid-spine and seemed to split him in two. The halos went to complete black. 000000.

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...and then Craigslist saved your life

It happened for a number of reasons really. You were able to sell your shit on there in less than 24 hours. You found the real answers to all the important political issues of today (and as an added bonus saw some pretty awesome political graphic design work). You found out someone was looking for a human obstacle course and you directed him to one that you knew about. And finally, you discovered a couple that lives in your neighborhood that wanted to be friends with you:

A fun couple is looking for a couple of people or couple to hang out with. We are not looking for anything more than FRIENDS! The female is a very responsible and mature 21 year old and the male is is in his late 20's. Both of us are college graduates and have professional jobs. We are non-smokers, drug-free, drama free, and care about our health. We are hoping to find similar people (smokers are fine, but we prefer to be in smoke-free environments) to hang out with. Our interest include beer tasting, playing board games, going dancing, shopping, working out, and enjoying events in the city. Our friends live in different cities and it's hard for some of them just to come down and hang out. We live in the Brookfield/Tosa area and would like to meet some new people to hang out with. If you think you or you/your partner may be able to enjoy activities together, please email us!


Nothing more exciting than going to K-Mart or playing Yahtzee with a couple of strangers.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Look, you're in a different lata now.

Try as you will, but you won't be able to contact any of your top 5 choices.

The more robust man perched on the retaining wall while his more ambitious, hook-nosed friend swung a chain ominously.

Chicago and other cities in the great dead centers favor the capitalist sense over any human ethics. It was like this in the early 20th century and is no different today. It's a city of professional hooligans letting time slide away waiting for the next fix. The next fix insures that they won't get junk sick, but is ignorant of all human factors. Live for the hour.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A call to tourists, a cult of personality

I'm throwing this out here now, in this blogosphere, with the hopes of someday turning it into an actual solicitation:

Lost in the American urban environment? International tourists contact me today! If you're planning a trip to my area, please contact me today for immediate accommodations and the chance to see how the locals live . Well-lit living room and decent bathroom facilities with optional toiletries. Instead of dealing with pushy salespeople trying to sell you time-shares, you now have the privilege of sitting down with me face to face for philosophical musings, American jokes, and apple pie.


Is anybody trying this sort of solicitation? Could it get you in some sort of bad situation? Maybe. But, worth the risk I say. Pass this message onto 15 international friends and eliminate the risk of computer failure.

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Elks (that's where we're going)

Here we are. We've arrived at our destination finally. Boy, it sure is cold out. This the The Elks Club, more specifically known as the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks. We'll park right here by Mr. McCallister. With any luck, the beef dinner will still be available. We havent' been here in years, and the suspense of waiting to get back here nearly killed me several times over.

I suppose these cream bricks have stood here for some 50 years, some say 60. Either way, the building sits on a teetering foundation of bleeding human glory and the hope for a more moral tomorrow. Ironically, we doubt that will be its demise. It's only a matter of time before the Eagles, VFW, Free Masons, American Legion, Knights of Columbus, and Sons of Norway organize themselves as allies/enemies and begin their relentless artillery assault.

The neon sign flickers and hums a welcome to me, maybe for the last time. The basement, and I can smell it now, personifies the struggle of generations past. Equally, it personifies my desire to sit by Clint Hargrove and sip an Old Milwaukee while I explain the significance to my careless and emotionless children. Good night.

Spanish Captain, please take this with you

Has the holidays left you realizing how much stuff you have or how obese you're becoming? If so, the best advice is to take a quick break and a deep breath and let that truth sink in good and deep. Wow. I bet that feels good. Now take your shit to Goodwill and stop bothering me. That's what the holidays is about after all.

Here's a list of things that I like this year:
1) John Tesh radio show
2) Economics
3) Karnov
4) All of the new shit I got for Christmas
5) Puppies
6) Cakes

I've also experienced some new spells of winter magic, if you know what I mean. That, and I'm facing the long-arm of the law in unimaginable ways. I like to call this, "New Year's Revelations: things that are happening."

New Year's P.S.:

Read here all about why Jack Van Impe will never discuss his winning of the Ig Nobel Prize. Sorry readers, the full "text" of his thesis will never be available.

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Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Wellington, Beef

# 3 pints (1 1/2 pounds) white button mushrooms
# 2 shallots, peeled and roughly chopped
# 4 cloves garlic, peeled and roughly chopped
# 2 sprigs fresh thyme, leaves only
# 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
# 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

For the Beef:

* 1 (3-pound) center cut beef tenderloin (filet mignon), trimmed
* Extra-virgin olive oil
* Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
* 12 thin slices prosciutto
* 6 sprigs of fresh thyme, leaves only
* 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
* Flour, for rolling out puff pastry
* 1 pound puff pastry, thawed if using frozen
* 2 large eggs, lightly beaten
* 1/2 teaspoon coarse sea salt
* Minced chives, for garnish
* Green Peppercorn Sauce, recipe follows
* Roasted Fingerling Potatoes
* Warm Wilted Winter Greens, recipe follows

Does that ring a bell? Bring ingredients to a rolling boil and serve to any of your kin. They are certain to enjoy. Don't bring the junk around me though, I just kicked the habit. Serve in a warm dish with extra potato and wait for the laughter to subside. Win an award.

Monday, January 04, 2010

A bitter sprinkling of powdered camarderie

I grew up in a 1940s cape cod home. He grew up in real salt box and became my adviser, or my manager depending on your point of view. Spiritual, physical, mental, intellectual, hobby, you name it. He swept in on a busted up schooner, set sail for the Mediterranean, and by chance ended up in my back yard. What a bust for him. He lived in old man Howell's basement until it came time for me to step into my prime, upon which he was immediately moved into the lower left closet in my basement, which had its own running water and electrical conduit. Expertly he was able to expose truths, faults, and sub-conscious experience that I had yet to be aware of. He took detailed notes and provided me with the necessary guidance. Now I manage a local deli with the likes of Mr. Brukowski and Winters Penochet. My manager's name is Eleon Kirchall, and he is not available for your use. Have a good existence sucker.