Tribal justifice fiends

A new tribe is on the loose. A tribe of not just one man. An organized derivative of the old-school midwest mafia. Cold blood killers that have a plan. A dedicated plan at that. A plan that only a Charles Bronson type could decode and put into ruins.

In case you haven't heard, every drowning of white, athletic young men in the past 20 years may be connected. As a footnote, it should be pointed out that the ONLY commonality, up until now, between the cases is that the drownings have taken place at night, usually (and coincidentally) at bar-time, in colder than average bodies of water.

But, who knew it, it turns out a gang's on the loose. Hell bent on getting your ass and pushing it in the river at 2 am. They say they just want to see you have a sexy swim, but really they're out to put you down. A team of private investigators, hired by the families of victims, held a press conference and dropped the huge bombshell on the American public. Their report likely had nothing to do with the fact that they've been getting paid for some 10 years and have come up with nothing. For example, a smiley face has been painted at some of the drowning sites. Said the investigator, "Obviously, the smiley face indicates that someone enjoyed the killing, as serial killers typically do."

Well, another secret, underground, murderous gang has been added to my do-not-taunt list. As a general rule that I strictly adhere to, publicly visible gangs can safely be taunted, but not secret ones. My lights are off and my shades are drawn, but that's really because I'm a little afraid of the neighborhood I live in. I'd rather not see what's going on. But, whenever I'm near the river or lake, I'll be in full black sweatsuit with no reflectors to give up my position. Good luck accidental drowning death super gang, good luck. You've always got your victim up until now, but the fun's run out (not a taunt, just a friendly joke. Please, just leave me alone. I won't tell anybody.)

All the chapters

EVH blows his old grandma image

Van Halen anyone?



This was Eddie Van Halen. He has a new look now that he has to impress his son.


And look, David Lee Roth too. I saw that show last night. Eddie was on, no doubt about it. Close sources tell me that the story was different four years ago, when Van Halen was touring with Sammy Hagar. Apparently, upon the audience cheering, "Eddie, Eddie!" the king of two-tapping broke down in a drunken stupor and told the audience how much he loved them. He really was sincere, in a my-liver-hurts-and-needs-you-help sorta way.

The story's different now, with Van Halen reloading after getting back the aged Roth (on hiatus since '85) and kicking out co-founder Michael Anthony who has been replaced by Eddie's 17 year old son. He don't need school. He was uncomfortable when saying, "Dave, give me a break....," "One break... coming up!" In fact, as uncomfortable as I was listening to his "Heartland USA," sexual pep-talks. Many cheers were heard, which was disturbing considering the disproportionate number of male audience members. Men caressed hands anyway, and looked each other in the eye. It was a moment they'll never forget. Admittedly, I was slightly turned on. I wish I was embarrassed.

So, Eddie did his job damn well, while David Lee Roth proceeded to suck. Although he hasn't been around for 20 years, he seems to have also (and amazingly) avoided the constant bombardment of Van Halen tunes on the radio. He once said, "I don't remember the fuckin' lyrics." I thought it was a joke, and it should be for my $50, but it was true. I'm essentially a tone-deaf musical midget, and even I noticed his blatant disregard for when the lyrics are supposed to be sung in addition to simply mumbling his way through a good percentage of most songs. Don't get me wrong, he can still belt out something that sounds very Van Halen-like, and he would make a great front man for a cover band, but Roth '84 he is not. Luckily I expected nothing less, and was thus pleased with the performance overall. If not for the pitiful nostalgia I felt for the year 1984, I could have wrapped this up on a high note. Unfortunately, we've all been down this road and we all understand that sometimes you just have to allow the feeling to set in:

Boycott the oil boycott!

I don't think I need to repeat what you've already had rammed down your soft ear shaft for the past month - gas prices are out of fucking control. But, I'd like to respond, in defense of the oil industry and creationists, that the fossil fuels were placed in various key areas somewhere around 7000 years ago, just after the beginning of time. Now, not surprisingly, they weren't placed there as general land fillers (as if to say, "there is no other material to throw in that spot," said the creator). No, these energy giving corpuscles were placed there for our continual use, even though some insist that they are non-renewable. I beg to differ with that, afterall, scientists and the like continually find new sources, and it is likely that old ones are replenished. We simply haven't checked back yet. If we do, for some reason, burn up all that we know of today, it is certain that old reserves will immediately be replenished. Only certain, specific, prayer sessions (and a god-antenna) will be required. Excellent, you're thinking about going to church this weekend. To dispell another common myth, that the burning of fuels creates CO_2 which increases global warming, let me urge you to consider Jesus' ultimate plan: allow enough oil for everyone to last until the end of time. In other words, if oil does run out or we turn our planet into a greenhouse, like some simpleton scientists theorize, then the end of the world will be at hand anyway, thus rendering any large reserves of oil or air unusable (due to the end of times). So, just like some Christians view large-scale nuclear war as a necessity in bringing the anti-christ to Terra and subsequently causing the rebirth of Christ (a good thing), some other like-minded and logical folk believe that the oil reserve is our hourglass. Although some nobodys call this self-fulfilling prophecy and the like (a justification for your suicide even!), this makes perfect sense because a) Jesus would come after the destruction of man to help out, and b) Jesus would likely determine when we parish anyway, one easy way for him to keep track of time is to have a certain limited supply of life-giving fuel. Also, as an added artistic and perhaps insulting monument to heretics those who doubt ,somebody has built an oil can tower to the sky. The tower is nearly complete.

Yes, my arguments are compelling, and you should take a long, hard look at yourself and come to terms with reality if you doubt me. But I doubt you can even do that since you're too busy composting and using batteries.



http://www.realnd.com/images/casseltoncanpilepano.jpg

The Principles of Vice Leadership

Once, a bright green pool fronted with quality. Remember Jerry on the Facts of Life? You're not the only one. Some other things cause extreme discomfort. A black and gold angle bird, delicate to the touch if not for its oozing poison glands preparing for inoculation. Just one of the many. Discomforts keep us alive and eventually put us in the grave. This is what you caught on to:

Parnell Grimston
Partitioned my last sequence
Eddie Money bought it
Then he sold it for more

Would you creep and prowl for tomorrow?
He had a fortune cookie
Flavored with spite
And burned it to the ground

He was an evil sand beast
He held a grudge with Van Meeril
A solid barrier to friendship
Then he did speed
Wake up asshole.
He never did go to sleep.

Caught in a logic trap

This post was officially postponed due to the re-occurrence of doggy diarrhea in my home:


After a only a single dose of antibiotics, the sloppy shit mess ceased, amazingly, but as if to stab me in the back when I become relaxed, the last dosages of antibiotics apparently didn't continue their strength. Or, we can also assume that eating the old diseased feces cookie out in the yard caused a relapse. In any case, I, and the veteranarian, have no surety as to the cause. Shit again it may be. My dog is still very strong though, and will survive the shit storm of '08. I may not be so lucky.

Does anybody else really like that song, "Games that People Play," by the Alan Parsons Project or is it just me? Because I hear it on the radio quite often, I assume nothing. I suggest you listen to it and get back to me. Where do we go from here, now that all of the children are grown up?

So, do you know where you're headed? Ha! Hell, that's where. No, I wasn't really going to say that, but I had you set up from the get go as you considered your dreams to be. I've noticed lately a lot of people trapped in vortex type fortifications. Please have a view:
1) Free honey ham (shaved)
2) Communist threats

The last one I had to share. If you're a loser like me you couldn't even stab one dog dead.

None of these things are the logic traps which I had previously planned to discuss, but my telling you this IS a logic trap. Think about it. Escape if you can. Enjoy life in the cold confines.