The Pagan Process

Part II of this year's Christmas Star Parade/Carnival:

What started with Christ's birth vision ends with a good old Pagan holiday. Now, previously I had suggested that Christmas and the entire Christ child phenomenon, and perhaps the entire biblical story, was created by a group of thoughtful industry captains, taking rightful advantage of the good consumerist nature of people. Several nasty (and convincing) emails from foreign investors, however, made me realize that I may be caroling up to the wrong house. What was once theorized to be an economic conspiracy has become an absolute hypocrisy, given that the holiday that is used to praise the baby jesus not coincidentally coincides with the day Pagan Germanic Tribes once used to celebrate the winter solstice - the darkest, coldest, most evil day of the year. They'd prance around trees and worship them and the like and invite the evil demon by the name of Krampus (Santa's adversary) to punish bad children everywhere. The Puritan's opposed all of this Christmas nonsense (and dancing, sex, funk music, and just about all other awesome things), but the loose Christians ate the shit up and incorporated all aspects, pagan or not, into the most wonderful time of the year! So, I suggest, if you're a loving Christian, to burn all your Christmas bridges - leave no evidence. You have limited time to save yourself assuming you've celebrated Christmas up until now. However, if you're like me, assume this was all your idea, embrace all aspects, and pretend the world really is a loving, accepting place.

Love,

Me.

Sadistic Christmas Memoirs

Jesus Christ - the Christ child, etc. It's his birthday, and you better damn well respect it. I've expressed interest in the subject almost every year. I've learned a lot I'd say, too much perhaps. Wrap your mind around this: one little known fact is that a group of industrialists got together about 100 years ago (today) and created Christianity, Jesus's supposed birth date and the subsequent holiday festivity plans. Don't let the history books fool you stupid, this is reality. Scrap the holy wars, the inquisition, the religious malarkey related to the black plague - it was all fabricated (very well as a matter of fact) to get you to purchase a bunch of shit. I hope you're happy. We now measure our success personally and as a nation based on how much shit we purchase. This year the country lies somewhere on the scale between completely fucked up and halfway to the monetary goal. I'm not the one who's encouraging you, keep in mind, but please go out there as soon as is possible and buy a puppy calendar or at least rayon hat. Thanks.