Kerosene Picnic

Hello faithful reader(s). I apologize for my general lack of posting and updating. I would like to say it's for good reason, but that really is never true... unless you're dead, and even that reason has its suspicions. You see, I've been involved with several blaxploitation projects ranging from a remake of Watermelon Man, to a kung-fu thriller ala Dolemite. Anyway, things in these parts are starting to take a general shape of horror, and I am considering option (3b) more and more everyday. Later I will tell you more about that option.

I ran into the subject of my pseudo documentary half-assed film project. He's moving away soon and he's real depressed. He must re-evaluate life he says. I encourage insanity, but can only do so much. However, I will wrap up the footage I've taken so far with this story and manipulate the entire ball of wax into something insightful... or at least funny. Things can have both attributes.

Speaking of Watermelon Man, I will later post some links - when my technology approves it. There's so many to choose from.

Streaks on the china (never mattered before, who cares?)

I was thinking about Broctune today -- because we recently received massive quantities of china, while simultaneously getting extremely married. Everything's been wonderful, but new questions that one would not have imagined have come up, like "what we do with all this china?" and "if we ever had children, who on earth would take care of them?" and "is this the first part of my slow descent into becoming Bob Uecker?"

[Oh, also, before I forget, or you get bored, you might be interested in staying up-to-date on the hottest insanity around, which I stumbled on today. Therein people discuss theories such as: We are currently the victims of a "weather war" being waged by various parties; the president and his staff have been arrested (also, the president has taken up drinking again, which might be true); the aliens are starting their invasion; other things that make me tired (actually, that last one is pretty awesome).]

Well, anyway, as I was sitting around, after some hours of getting my ass kicked in Resident Evil 4 (which is said to be "not that hard" in various reviews, which means I suck), I decided to seek out the answers to life's deep questions regarding the above first paragraph's existential questions... so, here, complete and ripped off, is the transcript of the semi-famous sketch... in case you ever want to perform it:

"The Mr. Belvedere Fan Club"

Starring:

Mr. Chairman.....Tom Hanks

Cheryl.....Victoria Jackson

Doug.....Chris Farley

Adam.....Adam Sandler

Melanie.....Melanie Hutsell

Phil.....Phil Hartman

Kevin.....Kevin Nealon

Mike.....Mike Myers

Comic.....Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, Conference Room B ]

Mr. Chairman: Okay, today's meeting comes to order, and, my friends, we

have scored another major coup for all members in good standing. Now,

don't concern yourself with how we did it, because it involves unsightly

back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another great first as a

card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, alright?

If you leave your

membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that we

can park in the handicapped space at his brother's conveniece mart.

Cheryl: That's so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few items

to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much quicker!

Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of

business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we

resolved to come up with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use,

so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? Alright,

ideas?

Doug: How about Thaddius.. or Big Bob.

Cheryl: Benny.

Adam: How about the Man Who Rides Alone.

Doug: Head Cheese?

Melanie: El Stinkmeister.

[ boos ]

Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.

Kevin: How about.. Broctune.

Mr. Chairman: Broctune! Hey, I like it! Let's vote, alright? All in

favor of Broctune, say Aye!

Group: Aye!

Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!

Group: Nay!

Mr. Chairman: Broctune it is!

Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK with me!

[ Comic enters the room ]

Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of Broctune?

Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they're doing a Comedy Night here later,

and I just got here early to sign up.

Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself comfortable,

sit anywhere. We're just getting ready to move on to our next ordr of

business, but anything else?

Doug: Yeah, I'd like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let

the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is..

the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I

say he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he's just.. I wish.. you

know.. I wish I could know him more, you know? Because.. he.. he is one

of a kind, you know? He's.. I think about him all the time, and.. well,

I'm wondering - should we kill him?

Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God's sake, no!

Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.

Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I'd like Doug to explain

why he wants to kill Broctune!

Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she'd be, you

know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.

Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill him, then?!

Doug: Um.. because.. so he wouldn't know how unworthy I am to hang out

with him..?

Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don't follow. What about the girl you want to meet?

Doug: Aw, she's probably a lesbo anyway.

Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn't have

to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Mr.

Belvedere, say Aye.

Group: Aye!

Mr. Chairman: All those who don't think he should be killed, say Nay.

Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. He lives. But the vote shouldn't have

been that close. Which brings me to an area I think we need to discuss.

Now, I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere's publicist. It seems somebody

has been killing his housepets again. Now, I'm not gonna ask which one

of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.

Comic: What exercise?

Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and fantasy

a little less blurry. You'll see.

Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?

Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I

shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.

Mr. Chairman: That's good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really

neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that's not right. Someone else?

Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how

good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook, but I

shouldn't want to type the letter on a death certificate.

Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh?

Okay, so let's keep going. Come on.

Adam: I should like watching "Mr. Belvedere" a lot, but I shouldn't have

to masturbate at the end of every episode.

Mr. Chairman: That's right. That is right. Discipline. Next?

Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Broctune a simple dinner if he

truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that he accepts it

telepathically.

Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let's keep the exercise in the form of

"should" and "shouldn't", okay? Next?

Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to

cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new

worlds where his flesh becomes my key.

Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.

Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't want

to keep him in a big jar in my basement.

Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that's great, we understand that now. Go

on, though. Why shouldn't you put him in a big jar in your basement?

Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn't be

able to see him..?

Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..

Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You're talking about

killing Mr. Belevedere, and putting this Broctune guy in a big jar, and

dead housepets?! I mean, can't you see what you're talking about is

wrong?! I mean, can't you see that?!

[ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath

fogging up the glass ]

[ fade out ]

You were the awkward kid with ill-fitting pants

You were, but don't worry, so was I. It's been awhile since I've gave a word or two here, so I'd like to update my life a bit... in a variety of ways. Starting with the clothes I wear and moving on to two, part two: my multiple styles. I am having fun with punctuation today. Tonight I will attend the Obituary concert, where a great amount of the death metal (as the band name suggests) will be had by all.

In the first part of many new pieces of news, tomorrow is my birthday. Just saying.

Headline #2: The disagreement I had with Grassroots campaigns is being taken to the next level. A law firm here has been in contact with me and some things are going to change. I picked up my $60 about a week ago and had a nice little discussion with the local "grassroots" director, Emily. That's not an alias, that's her real name. Figures right? Anyway, upon explaining my story (after I was asked by her), I was informed in a condescending way that employer's don't have to pay for training. "No they don't," said Emily with a shit-eating grin. "Refer to the Fair Labor Standards Act," was my reply. "I don't want to get into a debate." Yes, sure, no debate Emily. Don't worry baby, it won't hurt. I also told her that she apparently had no concept of labor's struggle to gain these rightful sorts of compensations. "Oh yeah, well I've worked for labor campaigns before." Oh, an expert then? Great, then you fully understand. No debate right? She even went so far as to say that my "factory production training" analogy provided no contradiction. That would be okay too, producing a product for a day without pay. Obviously her educational background didn't allow her to think of the extreme case in this scenario, where the factory simply relies on a workforce of unpaid trainees. Am I being condescending? She then stopped answering my questions. "What, no answer?" I would say. "I've had a really bad day!" Oh, okay, I'm sorry. But I wasn't, and I left with the final thought: "You are just as responsible as the people who direct you to steal, it's thus your responsibility to stop the practice, or forever have burned into your heart the insignia of human exploitation. Goodbye, Emily." (Uncomfortable "goodbye" look).

Headline #3: My documentary subject dropped out of the Physics program, but he's still a TA. After this semester he's moving back to Kansas. Good story? I don't know. He said he was becoming suicidal as a result of heavy-duty physics classes and a certain qualifying exam he was going to take this fall. We'll see if I can't muster some final footage and produce something (using the crappy magnetic film and very limited resources have access to).

Headline #4: I too have classes that I am not grasping, for various reasons such as: no math background in tensors, eigenvalues, and other matrix shit; I have a professor that apparently has had brain trauma in the form of a tumor or something. After the first day he immediately stopped lecture, closed his eyes and layed down for awhile. His teaching methods suffer. Also his usual get-up includes a sports coat, soft Weixel type pants (if you know what I mean), and velcro shoes. Any assistance is appreciated on any of these fronts.

Headline #5: Again, I have lots to post, just not the dedicated time to prepare the html. I've been including some haikus in some things. Here's a sample:

I know
Look over there
It’s that demon man Jeff Gray
He has a pocket full of fire
Don’t scream

I will leave with that. Good day.

"Man Without a Country"

Did you see Kurt Vonnegut on the Daily Show this evening? Well, I just did, and let me tell you... it was great to see him, as I thought he was dead. He's the greatest misanthrope in American history.

In other news, I looked up Shin-Hoo (Stanley) Park. Okay, I mean, I "googled" him. The results were less than interesting. But some reports implied that he was involved in the Montauk Project, which makes him a moving target for shadowy figures in the night(s). Be careful, dude!

Global Sensitivity Matrix

As it turns out, O'Reilly's call for the head of Chancellor Wiley was baseless... what's new? The right wing bullshit about UW employing child molestors and other convicts is simply a farce, as one with any sense might guess. That's why I wrote this rhyme about my friend Shin-Hoo (Stanley) Park.

Stanley, Stanley, nice little face but a creepy eye
Stanley, Stanley, he's got soft hair but a creepy eye

Creepy eye, creepy eye, staring at you with no regard
Creeepy eye, creepy eye, is it looking at you or is it looking at me?

Stanley, Stanley, if you got that eye poked out it would be no harm
Stanley, Stanley, don't shave your eyebrows cause it would just makes things worse

White people "find," black people "loot"

Sorry, I just totally copied this post from Sploid, but it's too good to pass up.