Sad Things

People mail in postcards of their confessed secrets, some of which are quite touching, really.

More G.I. Joe-type Antics from our Overseers

Just when you thought that all the fucktard ideas for stealing our tax dollars had been exhausted, the Department of Homeland InSecurity comes up with a ringer:

From the article:

" 'We are long overdue for a passenger aircraft to be taken down by a shoulder-launched missile,' said Representative John L. Mica, Republican of Florida, who is pushing for the systems to be installed. 'We have been extremely, extremely lucky.' "

Once again, Florida comes through with pure unbridled smartitude and wisdomness.

"Northrop Grumman and BAE Systems are competing to build the devices, which rely on plane-mounted sensors that detect heat-seeking missiles and then automatically fire infrared lasers to jam or confuse the missiles' guidance systems. The defense would be used for about a 50-mile area around airports, while planes land or take off."

Yep, that's right, LASERS! Awesome!!! Will they be blue, or red? Their color will indicate whether we're the good guys or the bad guys.

I have a feeling that this is leading us one step closer to the day that the machines take over. Oh, well.

Next innovation: the Thunder Machine!

(... as you might have already guessed, I am at work and currently not working very hard...)

Fucking Ridiculous Motherfuckers (or, How To Be a Bitch)

Me being the bitch, that is. I just went to TARGET, and this is what happened:
(as detailed in this heavily abridged LOC, letter of complaint, or level of consciousness)...

To whom it may concern: This evening, I ... spent about 30 minutes picking ... paper towels, cat litter, soap... wrote a check. ... helpful and pleasant clerk Mohamed tried to cash it ... he could not ... no ID. ... The ... manager (Jodi, no last name provided ... informed me that ... it was "for my protection," ... ridiculous ... whole ordeal was a complete waste ... condescending interaction ... could have gone to ... my neighborhood hardware store ... next time, I will! ... Sincerely, B.O.R.T.

Adversions in Advertising

In the good spirit of ad wizardry, I've been coming up with some ideas for the late night Fargo advertising scheme. Let me run a few ideas by all the people that read this blog:

1) Public Service announcements
traffic announcements - pothole warnings (they are dangerous), practice safety when confronted with roadrage
public parks - watch out for loose, sharp gravel; bugs are potential hazards; stagnant water can ruin your life
weather - wind during tent picnic, wind danger during different games, rain can ruin leather pants and upholstery
general danger - truck fires, don't anger queen bees or ants, frozen pipes will in fact burst, queen bed (size) will smother you, pitfalls (both in reasoning and in hinterlands)

2) Advertising the Obvious
driving on interstates is a fast way to get there, lake activities are generally fun, frisbee is not fun, carpet is soft on my feet, calculators can be used to perform calculations quickly, mowing the grass can be fun (with proper techniques), using restaurants as places to socialize and eat

3) Irony
how to beat advertisers at their own game, how not to get brainwashed by TV via a brainwashing method

4) New Games (accompanied with contact info.)
freestyle tire, knick-knack chess, sprint and jump into net, anarchy ball, pie caliente (hot foot), knee slide

Other ideas are welcome unless they're real stupid. Thanks.

I am the eye in the sky, looking at you-ou-ou...

In case you wanted to use the awesome satellite mapping powers of MAPS.GOOGLE.COM to hatch an infamous plot against the vice-commander-in-chief, aka Lord Shadow von Foulus, aka Cheney, well, big guy... you can't. Note that I stole this link from an article in the NY Times. That doesn't make it any less cool that Cheney has been shielded from the Big Brother systems that have been deployed thus far.
The rest of us are forced to await the day that the Pre-Armaggedon Healers of the Beast begin to use Google Maps to find our specially-marked homes and hunt us down like dogs, I guess.

P.S. -- I liked the Religious Expose part II, did I mention that yet? Well, It's worth repeating, then.

Just go look... please

Update to Dimensional Fury. No more to be said. Nearly complete inclusion of all material. Watching pornos in dark.

New happenings and abilities discovered!

A Dimensional Fury update has occurred, which I'm sure you all appreciate. In more significant news, I'm going documenting and investigating some serious things soon. I can't go into too much detail because a) I don't have many and b) I'm not at liberty. My office mate in the Physics department claims to have a unifying theory involving, "philosophy, sociology, physics (of course), and spirituality." Upon him mentioning this to me, I offered to make a documentary. The offer was sarcastically made at first, but he was seriously interested. And, since I was seriously interested, I plan to make good on my offer. He's been explaining segments of his theory to me over the past couple weeks, but today he informed me of a few important details. He said he has to journey to the Hopi homeland, the center of the Hopi universe, as it is. It's in Arizona, and he fully plans to make the trip. "Puhana" is what we will call him for now, not Esther as I suggested. I can't quite remember who Puhana is, but I will explain when the time is right. A fusion reactor as well as the concept of the Earth being a dynamo will be included... and something about the missing fourth part of the tablet and the meeting with the badgers. It's vague and confusing now, as it should be. It will soon be fleshed out... stay tuned. Click on the title for a little more information.

Why? Because I care.

Once again, this is what I do when I'm supposed to be helping the kids. Did you all hear about the new finger incident? Quoth Mr. Stowers:

"I thought it was candy because they put candy in your ice cream... to make it a treat. So I said, 'OK, well, I'll just put it in my mouth and get the ice cream off of it and see what it is."

After further investigation, he screamed. I couldn't have made up a quote better than his own. Poor Clarence should have never wished so hard that the finger was candy. He could have saved himself a lot of trouble and horror.

For fun, do this:

All you needed was a montage